Somedays

Today is a hard one. One where you wake up with a sunken feeling in your stomach. Your heart feels heavy and your body just aches. You tell yourself, get up, cheer up, and get dressed. You do the little things, shave your legs, use mouth wash, extra lotion, three squirts of perfume. You look in the mirror, smile and tell yourself suck it up. You count your blessings. A roof over your head, food in your pantry, loving family, a working car, a good job.

Life just has this way of knocking you down-- forcing you to find a way to pick yourself back up again. Days like today, and you wonder how you will ever make it through. With no appetite, no motivation, almost nothing left holding back the tears. You ask questions no one understands and no one has the answers too. You close your eyes and rewind, fast-forward, pause, and rewind again. Tracing every second, looking for the one that stands out, waiting for that "ah-ha that's it" moment. But it doesn't come. You miss it, time and time again.
You take a deep breath, you sigh, a sigh that just isn't deep enough. You put your hands over your eyes and you finally just break down. The tears flow endlessly. Your heart cries out for a Heavenly Father you haven't turned to, in far too long. Your knees are weak, and you're just waiting for them to hit the floor.
You're tired, the heart break, the uncertainty-- it's all just too much.
Your longing for things that seem so far has finally boiled over. And you just don't understand what is next. Again, you look back on the past, but just to remind yourself, the future has to be better. Because right now, you can't imagine anything worse than the last six months.

You know harder days are coming. But you know stronger ones are too. You know this won't be the last time your heart aches for answers you think will never come. But that reminds you, in time. They always do. 

I have gone through more hard things in the past year then ever before in my life. And I am certain these are not the last of them. But if I can get through all of this, I can get through whatever comes next.
Sure, there are people out there, experiencing what others might see, as significantly more challenging, heart wrenching, and unfair, than my trials. People have told me, "remember it could always be worse, someone out there is living something harder." And I just want to say "then you'd better stop being happy, because someone else might have it better."

I think one of the hardest things about life is, its all a matter of perspective. Everyone's is different, and often times the people on your team have never been through what you are going through, but they try, they try to understand. They give an effort that means so much, but fixes nothing.

Today my heart broke all over again. For a marriage we didn't know how to fix. For a love that was lost too soon. For a husband that gave his all for a wife with walls to tall to climb. A mother who wanted the best for her daughter. A friend that didn't know how to choose. For a sister with far less experience but much more wisdom. For an older brother willing to give his all. And a younger one with a too sweet a spirit.

I will spend the next few weeks, maybe months, possibly years waiting on answers, I constantly fear will never come. And my mind will ricochet back and forth between the certainties and doubts. I will have days like today over and over again. And I will continue to push through. 

Today I am not moving forward, I haven't made a decision. I haven't set a plan. I am sitting on the idea that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and have an answer....where do I go from here?