I think today takes the Gold for worst day of the week.
I have spent the better half of my morning crying.
But today it wasn't just the weight of a broken marriage on my shoulders.
It was so much more.
It was the weight of all the things I can't control, but wish I could.

Like, moving forward.
I think thats the hardest thing. 
You don't have to move on. 
If you can just keep moving forward.

So many times I have felt like this is the end of my world. I can't take another minute of these trials. But as time has moved on, and I am still living, and breathing. I have learned to just accept things that aren't meant to be. You just accept them. You just have to recreate a life for yourself. One where you don't need all the answers, where you just get from one day to the next. 

Through these trials, our family has really learned to lean on each other.
Today I was talking with my sister, and I expressed how down I was feeling. And how I just didn't think I could handle anything more. 
She said "...there's that stupid quote about how you can sum up everything you have learned about life in three words: it goes on. That's bull crap. It doesn't go on. Your worlds ends. You get defeated. I think the three words that sum up life are: suck it up. Stand back up. Keep on going, even when life seems to stop going on."

I never really understood the life goes on thing.
And now I know why, because it doesn't.
Exactly like my baby sis said.
It doesn't go on. Life isn't about everyday routine.
It shouldn't be about that, it shouldn't be about what 
you HAVE to do each day. 
Work, school, cooking, cleaning.
If thats what life is about, then sure it goes on.
Because no matter what, yes, the days will pass.
If we're talking about time, then yes, time goes on.
But life, no...
Life is about the things that force us to build strength to endure.
The challenges that push us lower than we ever wanted to go.
The trials that test our faith, and encourage us to grow closer to others.
The motivation to work hard, and reach our goals.
The sacrifices we make for people we care about.
The falling in love and finding yourself.

Life isn't about going on.
It's about moving forward, when things are tough, moving forward with your head held high.
It's about sucking it up.
It's about standing back up, when you've been knocked down.

My everyday routines went out the door when the weight of the world came crashing down.
I moved home, in with my parents, so they could take care of me. So that my mom could hold me, and tell me she's sorry, and if she could take away the pain she would. I left a job I loved, friends I loved, and surrounded myself with pillows and blankets, in the same stale pajamas for days on end. My life stopped going on. Until I found it in me to, SUCK IT UP. To STAND BACK UP. And to move forward...I have support from people I haven't talked to in years. People that see a strength in me, I sometimes forget about. That's what my life is about. 

In the 3 months or so, it's been since me and JTyler announced our divorce, I have learned a great deal about people. People who care. People who don't. Judgmental people. People who just want the gossip, who want the scoop. They wanna know the details. They feed you lines like, "I am always here if you need me," yet they haven't talked to you in years.
But it's also taught me about good people. People with good hearts, the ones I mentioned earlier, that remind me I have a strength in me, and they can see it. You know who you are, what you don't know is what that meant to me. It was a game changer, it kept me moving forward when I needed it the most..


I continue to feel grateful for days like today. The strength I am building. Time and time again, I say, these trials will not be the last for me. But when the next round comes, you better believe I'm hitting the ground running.