Sleeping pills.

Can I just say how grateful I am for sleeping pills?!?!?
I would not be getting through the last couple days without them thats for sure.

I have finally figured out how to cover the dark circles under my eyes.
I think stress, no sleep, not eating--its finally taking its toll on me.
As if the stress isn't enough.

you know when you have to make hard decisions?
like following your heart or your gut?
or hurting your loved ones or hurting yourself?

Its hard enough to choose between cereal or yogurt for breakfast.

There is an internal battle to always please everyone else.
But it's just not ideal. Making decisions.

I've learned a thing or two about decision making.
Its a rare thing for EVERYONE to be supportive.

When you feel lost, when no place feels like home anymore.
Home was with your parents, and then it was with your husband.
But then you don't have a husband anymore..
& you think home can be with your parents again..
But it really can't...
Its coming up on three years that I would have been in Utah...& it's hard to be anywhere else.

I don't know, I just think sometimes we have to make choices, and learn lessons.
I think sometimes the lessons are for us, and sometimes they are for others involved.
All I know is, I don't want anymore regrets. I want to know I gave my best.
And my all, and if for some reason, whatever I go for doesn't work out...
people can say, I told you so..

 

I think today takes the Gold for worst day of the week.
I have spent the better half of my morning crying.
But today it wasn't just the weight of a broken marriage on my shoulders.
It was so much more.
It was the weight of all the things I can't control, but wish I could.

Like, moving forward.
I think thats the hardest thing. 
You don't have to move on. 
If you can just keep moving forward.

So many times I have felt like this is the end of my world. I can't take another minute of these trials. But as time has moved on, and I am still living, and breathing. I have learned to just accept things that aren't meant to be. You just accept them. You just have to recreate a life for yourself. One where you don't need all the answers, where you just get from one day to the next. 

Through these trials, our family has really learned to lean on each other.
Today I was talking with my sister, and I expressed how down I was feeling. And how I just didn't think I could handle anything more. 
She said "...there's that stupid quote about how you can sum up everything you have learned about life in three words: it goes on. That's bull crap. It doesn't go on. Your worlds ends. You get defeated. I think the three words that sum up life are: suck it up. Stand back up. Keep on going, even when life seems to stop going on."

I never really understood the life goes on thing.
And now I know why, because it doesn't.
Exactly like my baby sis said.
It doesn't go on. Life isn't about everyday routine.
It shouldn't be about that, it shouldn't be about what 
you HAVE to do each day. 
Work, school, cooking, cleaning.
If thats what life is about, then sure it goes on.
Because no matter what, yes, the days will pass.
If we're talking about time, then yes, time goes on.
But life, no...
Life is about the things that force us to build strength to endure.
The challenges that push us lower than we ever wanted to go.
The trials that test our faith, and encourage us to grow closer to others.
The motivation to work hard, and reach our goals.
The sacrifices we make for people we care about.
The falling in love and finding yourself.

Life isn't about going on.
It's about moving forward, when things are tough, moving forward with your head held high.
It's about sucking it up.
It's about standing back up, when you've been knocked down.

My everyday routines went out the door when the weight of the world came crashing down.
I moved home, in with my parents, so they could take care of me. So that my mom could hold me, and tell me she's sorry, and if she could take away the pain she would. I left a job I loved, friends I loved, and surrounded myself with pillows and blankets, in the same stale pajamas for days on end. My life stopped going on. Until I found it in me to, SUCK IT UP. To STAND BACK UP. And to move forward...I have support from people I haven't talked to in years. People that see a strength in me, I sometimes forget about. That's what my life is about. 

In the 3 months or so, it's been since me and JTyler announced our divorce, I have learned a great deal about people. People who care. People who don't. Judgmental people. People who just want the gossip, who want the scoop. They wanna know the details. They feed you lines like, "I am always here if you need me," yet they haven't talked to you in years.
But it's also taught me about good people. People with good hearts, the ones I mentioned earlier, that remind me I have a strength in me, and they can see it. You know who you are, what you don't know is what that meant to me. It was a game changer, it kept me moving forward when I needed it the most..


I continue to feel grateful for days like today. The strength I am building. Time and time again, I say, these trials will not be the last for me. But when the next round comes, you better believe I'm hitting the ground running.

Again.

Today was another hard day. I've been having a lot of those lately.

But today was different, it was the kind of hard you can't talk yourself out of.
The kind of hard that just stays hard.

I have days like that, ya know? Sometimes you just can't get yourself together. You can't make yourself look at the positive things. Mostly its because you're stubborn. Because you just want to have a day of missing someone. And loving someone, even when you shouldn't. Sometimes it's just easier to be mad at the world, than to try and get yourself together.

I think most of my anger stems from knowing what my life is suppose to be like. 
I am SUPPOSE to be 21, married, starting my first year of the Nursing Program. 
Mostly, I am suppose to be a wife. I was ready to be a wife. I am ready to be a wife.

I'm learning now, sometimes God's plans are just better for us. I don't have a clue why I had to be married and divorced. I don't know what lesson I am learning. But at the end of the day, I know, for whatever reason, this is what I am suppose to be going through right now.

It has taught me so much.
I now know what is worth fighting for, and whats not.
I know I will be able to bring things to a marriage, others can't.
I know I won't ever give up on someone I love, every again.
But most importantly, I now know, that I must love myself, before I can love anyone else.
So that's what I am working on.

Somedays

Today is a hard one. One where you wake up with a sunken feeling in your stomach. Your heart feels heavy and your body just aches. You tell yourself, get up, cheer up, and get dressed. You do the little things, shave your legs, use mouth wash, extra lotion, three squirts of perfume. You look in the mirror, smile and tell yourself suck it up. You count your blessings. A roof over your head, food in your pantry, loving family, a working car, a good job.

Life just has this way of knocking you down-- forcing you to find a way to pick yourself back up again. Days like today, and you wonder how you will ever make it through. With no appetite, no motivation, almost nothing left holding back the tears. You ask questions no one understands and no one has the answers too. You close your eyes and rewind, fast-forward, pause, and rewind again. Tracing every second, looking for the one that stands out, waiting for that "ah-ha that's it" moment. But it doesn't come. You miss it, time and time again.
You take a deep breath, you sigh, a sigh that just isn't deep enough. You put your hands over your eyes and you finally just break down. The tears flow endlessly. Your heart cries out for a Heavenly Father you haven't turned to, in far too long. Your knees are weak, and you're just waiting for them to hit the floor.
You're tired, the heart break, the uncertainty-- it's all just too much.
Your longing for things that seem so far has finally boiled over. And you just don't understand what is next. Again, you look back on the past, but just to remind yourself, the future has to be better. Because right now, you can't imagine anything worse than the last six months.

You know harder days are coming. But you know stronger ones are too. You know this won't be the last time your heart aches for answers you think will never come. But that reminds you, in time. They always do. 

I have gone through more hard things in the past year then ever before in my life. And I am certain these are not the last of them. But if I can get through all of this, I can get through whatever comes next.
Sure, there are people out there, experiencing what others might see, as significantly more challenging, heart wrenching, and unfair, than my trials. People have told me, "remember it could always be worse, someone out there is living something harder." And I just want to say "then you'd better stop being happy, because someone else might have it better."

I think one of the hardest things about life is, its all a matter of perspective. Everyone's is different, and often times the people on your team have never been through what you are going through, but they try, they try to understand. They give an effort that means so much, but fixes nothing.

Today my heart broke all over again. For a marriage we didn't know how to fix. For a love that was lost too soon. For a husband that gave his all for a wife with walls to tall to climb. A mother who wanted the best for her daughter. A friend that didn't know how to choose. For a sister with far less experience but much more wisdom. For an older brother willing to give his all. And a younger one with a too sweet a spirit.

I will spend the next few weeks, maybe months, possibly years waiting on answers, I constantly fear will never come. And my mind will ricochet back and forth between the certainties and doubts. I will have days like today over and over again. And I will continue to push through. 

Today I am not moving forward, I haven't made a decision. I haven't set a plan. I am sitting on the idea that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and have an answer....where do I go from here?