People keep asking me what's next, what I want, what I believe..
truth is, I haven't got a clue.
I know the sun shines.
I know that God listens.
I know that music speaks to my soul.
I know nothing heals a broken heart like a Mother.
I know ice cream always hits the spot.
I know laughing is the best medicine.
I know heart break is the most physical pain.
I know everyday is a new day.
I know I can run 5 miles in less than an hour.
I know my feet always hurt the next day.
I know Utah feels like home.
I know my bed is my favorite place, & most days, getting up is extremely difficult.
I know someday I will be a nurse.
I know someday, I will walk hand in hand with my grandpa again.
I know most things are not coincidence.
I know money doesn't grow on trees.
I know I am destined to be happy.
I know there is not only one person for everyone.
I know somethings in life are a piece of cake, and some aren't.
I know I want to travel.
I know I love to sing in the shower.
I know I can't sing.
I know a lot of the 'small' things.
I don't know where I will be in 6 days, or 6 weeks, or 6 months.
I don't even know where I am going to live.
But really, does it matter if I know the big things?
It doesn't...
Because I know the small things.
And thats what it takes to get me from one day to the next.
And right now, thats all that matters.
Sometimes we just have to look forward to what the next second, minute or hour might bring.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what to do next.
I have a hard enough time deciding what I want to drink with breakfast.
Think I can decide what direction to head next?!?!?!
yesmadd
Jul 28, 2013
Jul 26, 2013
I learned
So, I spent a large portion of the day feeling sorry for myself.
I had a double scoop of baskin robbins.
Came home and climbed in bed.
And realized its time I count my blessings.
Cause regardless of the trials I am facing right now,
I am still being blessed.
I grabbed an opened envelope from my night stand and started on this list...
(keep in mind the envelope wasn't big enough)
In the midst of this trial, the heartbreak and pain that comes with divorce.
I asked myself what I have learned...
I learned what its like to love and be loved in return. I learned people change. I learned sometimes people want different things. I learned people make bad decisions, but those decisions don't define them. I've learned making bad choices doesn't make you a bad person. And sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of a very, very dark tunnel. I learned how to laugh uncontrollably and smile for no reason. I learned tears of joy, and tears of pain. I learned about loss and losing. I learned about gaining too. I learned about me, the type of person I am. I learned what my real hopes and dreams are. I learned I just want to be a mom. I learned what I need most in this life. I learned about timing. God's timing is the right timing. I learned patience. I learned I don't have much. I learned confidence. I learned defeat. I learned whats worth fighting for. I learned whats not worth fighting for. I learned about the 'big' things. I learned about the 'small' things. I learned about forgiveness. I learned that holding grudges, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I learned about being an adult. I learned about hard things. I learned about easy things. I learned about being strong. I learned about peer pressure, it never ends. I learned about standing my ground. I learned about mistakes, and how often I make them. I learned about being imperfect, and that it's okay. I learned about God. I learned that he only expects my best. I learned that everyone's bests are different. I learned about dancing it out. I learned about walking it off. I learned to hate the player not the game. I learned about true friends. I learned I don't have many.. I learned about emotions. I learned about fooling people, and being fooled in return. I learned a deeper sadness than I ever thought possible. And then I learned what comes next...happiness. I learned that no matter the trial, or the challenge, in the end, it will always end up okay. I know my okay might be near, or it might be far. But what matters most...is I KNOW that it's coming.
I never thought this is where I would be, a year and a half ago when I said yes, at the alter, with my best friend. I didn't think I would be signing divorce papers and walking away from what I thought was my future. Life has a funny way of teaching us hard lessons. I still don't know the reason, I don't have any answers to any of my questions. I have a little bit of faith, it carries me from one day to the next. I get by, and just remind myself....okay is coming. Somedayyyyyy.
xoxoxox.
I'm a Grieder again
I had a double scoop of baskin robbins.
Came home and climbed in bed.
And realized its time I count my blessings.
Cause regardless of the trials I am facing right now,
I am still being blessed.
I grabbed an opened envelope from my night stand and started on this list...
(keep in mind the envelope wasn't big enough)
In the midst of this trial, the heartbreak and pain that comes with divorce.
I asked myself what I have learned...
I learned what its like to love and be loved in return. I learned people change. I learned sometimes people want different things. I learned people make bad decisions, but those decisions don't define them. I've learned making bad choices doesn't make you a bad person. And sometimes it's hard to see the light at the end of a very, very dark tunnel. I learned how to laugh uncontrollably and smile for no reason. I learned tears of joy, and tears of pain. I learned about loss and losing. I learned about gaining too. I learned about me, the type of person I am. I learned what my real hopes and dreams are. I learned I just want to be a mom. I learned what I need most in this life. I learned about timing. God's timing is the right timing. I learned patience. I learned I don't have much. I learned confidence. I learned defeat. I learned whats worth fighting for. I learned whats not worth fighting for. I learned about the 'big' things. I learned about the 'small' things. I learned about forgiveness. I learned that holding grudges, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I learned about being an adult. I learned about hard things. I learned about easy things. I learned about being strong. I learned about peer pressure, it never ends. I learned about standing my ground. I learned about mistakes, and how often I make them. I learned about being imperfect, and that it's okay. I learned about God. I learned that he only expects my best. I learned that everyone's bests are different. I learned about dancing it out. I learned about walking it off. I learned to hate the player not the game. I learned about true friends. I learned I don't have many.. I learned about emotions. I learned about fooling people, and being fooled in return. I learned a deeper sadness than I ever thought possible. And then I learned what comes next...happiness. I learned that no matter the trial, or the challenge, in the end, it will always end up okay. I know my okay might be near, or it might be far. But what matters most...is I KNOW that it's coming.
I never thought this is where I would be, a year and a half ago when I said yes, at the alter, with my best friend. I didn't think I would be signing divorce papers and walking away from what I thought was my future. Life has a funny way of teaching us hard lessons. I still don't know the reason, I don't have any answers to any of my questions. I have a little bit of faith, it carries me from one day to the next. I get by, and just remind myself....okay is coming. Somedayyyyyy.
xoxoxox.
I'm a Grieder again
Jul 15, 2013
Hard things
Originally I planned to delete this blog. I figured I could just start a new one. On my own. I'm doing a lot of new things on my own lately. I guess that comes with divorce. But as I placed the mouse over the remove button, my heart sank deep inside and started to ache a little more.
This blog has been my diary since we got married. And although the posts have been few in numbers, they had so much meaning. As I went back and read some of them, I realized how real they were, the emotions, the words had so much meaning....really they still do. They had meaning of a real love. A love that we felt. Although, J Tyler and I are no longer together, and we are going our separate ways, we really loved each other. In fact, we still do. It's just a different kind of love. Divorce is hard no matter how you put it. And in this situation, we have been blessed. It was a mutual decision, a hard one. BUT we know it's for the best. And although our hearts long for answers to obvious questions, like why us? Deep down, we know there are lessons to be learned, and sometimes things like this happen.
I like to think we are strong, and sometimes God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soilders. Right now, I don't really understand. I just continue to live off the faith I do have, that in the end, everything is going to be okay.
I am going to leave the previous posts. That will allow me to look back from time to time on my first true love. And the happiness we shared with each other.
For now, I am just focusing on me. I am going to work my tail off. Save money and travel. I am going to spend time finding me, I feel like I have some soul searching to do. If there is one thing I have learned it's that I HAVE TIME, TIME IS ON MY SIDE. I am young. I have my fears and frustrations. So it's time, I take a little time to work through them.
Family and friends, I am so grateful for the love and support. My heart is aching, but I have so much hope because I have got so many people on my side.
and J Tyler, thank you. Thank you for loving me. And for giving me the chance to love you. I have had the time of my life with you. And I will never forget everything you gave me. I know this is the right thing for us, even though it's hard. I am so glad I can still call you my best friend. And that you still have my back.
xoxoxo
-I'm a Grieder again.
This blog has been my diary since we got married. And although the posts have been few in numbers, they had so much meaning. As I went back and read some of them, I realized how real they were, the emotions, the words had so much meaning....really they still do. They had meaning of a real love. A love that we felt. Although, J Tyler and I are no longer together, and we are going our separate ways, we really loved each other. In fact, we still do. It's just a different kind of love. Divorce is hard no matter how you put it. And in this situation, we have been blessed. It was a mutual decision, a hard one. BUT we know it's for the best. And although our hearts long for answers to obvious questions, like why us? Deep down, we know there are lessons to be learned, and sometimes things like this happen.
I like to think we are strong, and sometimes God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soilders. Right now, I don't really understand. I just continue to live off the faith I do have, that in the end, everything is going to be okay.
I am going to leave the previous posts. That will allow me to look back from time to time on my first true love. And the happiness we shared with each other.
For now, I am just focusing on me. I am going to work my tail off. Save money and travel. I am going to spend time finding me, I feel like I have some soul searching to do. If there is one thing I have learned it's that I HAVE TIME, TIME IS ON MY SIDE. I am young. I have my fears and frustrations. So it's time, I take a little time to work through them.
Family and friends, I am so grateful for the love and support. My heart is aching, but I have so much hope because I have got so many people on my side.
and J Tyler, thank you. Thank you for loving me. And for giving me the chance to love you. I have had the time of my life with you. And I will never forget everything you gave me. I know this is the right thing for us, even though it's hard. I am so glad I can still call you my best friend. And that you still have my back.
xoxoxo
-I'm a Grieder again.
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