a journal or something

Life has been so unbelievably crazy. I'm still trying to navigate and figure out exactly how I got where I am. I mean, I know the real logistics. But, I'm talking, like, how in the world was this part of the plan. Because, as much as I know my choices don't completely align with what my Father in Heaven would have had me doing, I am one hundred percent certain, this is exactly the path my life was supposed to take. Had my precious baby not come into the picture, when she did. I can't say with confidence I wouldn't be dead or in jail right now.


It's march twentieth. LIKE MARCH 20, 2017!
And I can't believe this time last year I had just found out I was pregnant. I was crying myself to sleep every night and asking myself, what the heck I was going to do, and how I was going to tell my mom.

I can remember how I found out myself, like it was yesterday.
I had been feeling kind of funny. But, I hadn't missed my period, my boobs were abnormally sore, I felt really tired. And my cramps were worse than usual. Not to mention I kept having this dream I was pregnant, and trying to figure out how I was going to tell my mom.
Anyways, it was a beautiful sunny day, 03/17/2016, kind of windy. But good weather. We were coming out of a ridiculously cold winter, so 60* felt magical. My friend Emily and I, went to my best friend Kali's for a lunch date, and some much needed girl time. I jokingly told Kali, I could be pregnant, I've felt so weird lately. She mentioned getting a test to ease my mind. But, quickly we moved on from the subject. Me and Emily lived together at the time, in a basement apartment in Sandy, UT. We had finished lunch, and were getting ready to head home from Saratoga Springs, so I could get ready to go serve at Chili's. I had to work. Pulling out of Kali's there was a Walmart right across the street. So, I said, "Em, take me to Walmart, I'm gonna get a cheap test to ease my mind. drop me off at the front, and I'll buy one, run to the bathroom, test, and then you can pick me back up."
I was nervous, but truly thought it was going to be negative, and I wouldn't have to worry. Boy, was I wrong. I grabbed a $.89 test, paid, and went to the bathroom. It was a disaster, I pee'd all over my hand, I was trying to hurry. I finished up, looked at the test, and immediately thought, "wooohoo, I'm not pregnant." I called Em, to come to the front, and stuck the test in my pocket. When I got in the car, Em said let me see....I showed her and she said, "Maddie, you're pregnant." I said, "No, I'm not. Those lines are too light. The second one is basically non-exsistent." She said, "no, maddie, you are really pregnant. It wouldn't be showing even a faint line in both boxes if you weren't." I called Kali in a panic and said, "Em thinks its positive, but you can't hardly see the second line, we are coming back, so you can look and tell Em, I'm not." I could hear the concern in her voice, but she said okay.

I will never forget the feeling I had, when Kali said, "mads, you're pregnant." She said, there is not such thing as false positives, just false negatives, and this test has two lines. I burst into tears, and kept saying, I'm not pregnant. How am I gonna tell my mom? What am I gonna do now? I'm not married. I can't be pregnant. I can't be a mom. Kali, grabbed me and said, "Mads, it's gonna be okay. You're mom is gonna love you anyways, and I'm going to help you. It's gonna be okay."

That day I called the dr. and set up an appointment. I let them know I hadn't missed my period, but I had a positive test. My period was supposed to come the 19th or 20th. That told me to come a week after my missed period. So, I scheduled. And then began waiting the longest 10 days of my life.

The next few days were horribly painful. I thought I was going to miscarry, I was cramping so bad. I would just lay on my couch, in fetal position, in tears. I soaked in the bath 3-4 times a day. I was certain something wasn't right. When it finally came time for my appointment, I told the dr about the pain, he said sometimes that happens. They did a vaginal ultrasound, you could see the sac, and a tiny little dot. He said, you're still in the implantation seed. But, if everything goes right, thats gonna turn into a little baby.

I left the drs that day feeling so confused, and scared. I was doing this alone. The day I took the test, I called Charlotte's dad and just said, I need to tell you something. Are you by yourself? And are you sitting down? He said, whats wrong? I said guess....he said you're pregnant. He first reaction after, I said a tearful, yes. "WHY DID YOU TELL ME THIS OVER THE PHONE?"
I explained, I had to go to work, but I was scared. And didn't know what to do. Plus, I didn't want to tell a bunch of people, and I had already talked Emily and Kali's ears off about it.

In my mind, and my plans. Haha. I would have been so much more excited, and my mom would be coming to drs appointments with me, and so would my husband/baby daddy. But, first lesson I learned, (or second, cause the first one I learned was USE CONDOMS) was LIFE RARELY GOES AS PLANNED.

The drs, sent me with blood test orders to check my HCG levels. I had to have my blood drawn that day and then two days later. And my numbers at quadrupled, which meant things were progressing, and I was definitely pregnant.

The days and weeks after that seem to kind of have blurred at this point. I know I had a few ultrasounds after that. And Jason came to those. We continued to talk and get to know each other. With SEVERAL bumps in that road. It was craziness.

But, eventually, it all came together....kind of.



xoxo

This time around

This break up has been so different from all the rest.
And I think it's changed me the most.
When I think about my other "heartbreaks," 
I wouldn't even really call them that. I think of HS.
I'm still young. So that wasn't really that long ago for me.
The break ups I experienced then, were easy.I mean, I didn't think they were easy then.
But I veg'd out with my friends. And shopped with my mom.
And moved on.
Then, I moved to Utah, and got married.
And that's a completely different story.
Because that heart was different, too.
But not this kind of different.

This heart break has completely changed my heart all together.
When you are 'older' and marriage is on your mind. 
And you are building a life with someone.
Sharing a house, and pets. And every part of yourself.
When that all ends, then what do you do?
You just wake up and don't know what to do.
You aren't in highschool anymore, and you don't
have football games to look forward too, you don't
get to just play with friends and shop with mom.

You have to get up, everyday. 
You have to do your hair and make up and go to work.
And pay your bills. And go to school.
And study, and basically function like nothings changed.
WHEN EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED.
You have to keep living, when life doesn't seem livable.

I can do hard things

I feel like the only time I ever have anything good to say is when I am going through something kind of sad. And by kind of, I mean REALLY sad. And maybe I don't mean GOOD to say, maybe I mean real, honest, emotional. Because maybe when you (or I, or anyone---since I clearly don't know what tense I am talking in) go through loss and heart break. Maybe that is when emotions become raw. And real. And apparent.

Love is hard.

Life is hard, too.

And it can be really lonely. Really, really, really, lonely.

I think there are different kinds of HARD.

Loving someone that doesn't love you. That's hard.

Not loving someone that loves you, that's even harder.

Not wanting to hurt someone, that doesn't deserve to be hurt?

I am a firm believer, God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.

But, I would be lying if I didn't question myself, and Him on the daily.

I have been beside myself going through the hardest heartbreak I have ever experienced.

My anxiety has been through the roof. Sometimes its so bad I have to pull over and catch my breath. I don't sleep, or eat. I've cried enough tears to fill a 1,000 gallon bucket. It's just hard. Life is just hard. And I am stubborn. But this heartbreak is too real. The pain is unbearable.

You know, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was on track for it, too.

And then I woke up, and the love of my life, wasn't that anymore.

And I wasn't even who I used to be.

I have been really questioning how I am going to get from one day to the next.

And if I can continue to live like this.

I started drinking. Like, drinking --drinking. Drinking myself drunk. So I didn't have to feel anything. It was a very temporarily-satisfying fix. Until, I got myself into a lot of situations I wasn't proud of. Situations that ended up being really scary and uncomfortable. I have said it before, I hate regrets. They are exhausting. They make for a really tough day, week, month, and year. AND it's so easy to blame these choices on this heartbreak. It's so easy to point the finger and blame people around me for the choices I made. For a long time, I used them as an excuse. I justified them in any way I could.

And then I realized these choices were all my own. I let my emotions get the best of me. And I let them control me. I let myself fall into this trap of someone I didn't recognize anymore.

Finally, the love of my life helped me see, I was no longer the person he fell in love with. I wasn't even someone I loved anymore. He told me I was better than drinking. I was better than spending time with people that didn't have best interest at heart. And getting myself into messes I couldn't clean up on my own. He opened my eyes to a reality I thought no longer existed.

I have goals. And just because he was no longer in the picture, didn't mean those goals had to change.

Just because a key ingredient was missing, didn't mean I was broken, and not fixable. 

I want the same thing I have always wanted.

I want to travel with my best friend.

I want to be madly in love.

I want to make a big family.

I want a husband.

I want to go to church.

I want to raise my kids in the gospel.

I want to go back to the temple.

 The lifestyle I have been living is such a temporary satisfaction. It is temporarily satisfying--and hurts like hell at the end of the day, week or month. It feels empty. I am always hoping for more.

I wake up everyday and wonder why it took such pain to help me realize what I was doing to myself. Sometimes our choices lead to ever-lasting consequences that hurt like hell.

I really loved this person, I was certain he was the one for me. And that we would do whatever it took to make things work. No matter what. Unfortunately, that isn't the reality of things. I put my heart on the line, but it was a little too late. I loved in the deepest way, with my whole soul. and when that wasn't reciprocated, I lost myself. I was crushed. I am certain I will continue to wake up confused, I will continue to ask why. Cause I am hurting, I am sad, and I don't really see an end insight. But I can't believe how broken I thought I was, losing didn't break me, It just changed me. It helped me find myself again.

I am stronger than I have ever been, I've found my motivation. I have found my happiness. I know what I want, and I won't stop until I get it. My choices don't define me. They were stepping stones to finally finding myself, again.

People make really, really, really bad decisions everyday. Some people live with them for a short amount of time, and some people live with them forever.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done, I miss my best friends. Utah will always be home because of you.

Complete

Ohhh how I have grown. I was re-reading some of my earlier posts. And ohhh how grateful I am for the person I am today, and for the trials I have endured to get where I am. To know what I know. And to feel what I feel.


I am still young, I am 23, I am a server. I work 30-40 hours a week at a job I hate 50% of the time, that isn't fair, I love the job. It's the people I don't always love. People are exhausting. Trying to please everyone is exhausting. But thats besides the point.---I'm typical. I sleep in, waking up most days after 9. I hate washing my hair. And I hate shaving my legs. I skip breakfast and criticize myself daily.

But I am so strong, and so wise. At least I think so.

I have come so far.
I got married.
And I got divorced.

And to this day, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through.
But you live, and you learn and you grow.
And today I am so much better off.
I read a really great article the other day, it hit home for me.
I believe there are a lot of ways of loving that are unhealthy.
It was titled, "I didn't end up with the love of my life."

In the article this girl talked about a love that ate her a live. She talked about a love so real, so intense, she felt incomplete without him. She felt inadequate and lost when he wasn't around. She longed for his love. And was sick and weak without him. She struggled for along time after their break up.

she says "I truly do believe this boy was, and always will be, the love of my life. I also truly believe that we are not meant to be together. Our relationship was intense, consuming, and exhausting. When things were good, I felt like I was on the top of the world. When things were bad, I felt like the sun was going to fall right out of the sky. I had never met someone who meant so much to me and had so much influence on how I felt and who I was. My heart broke every time we said goodbye, and was quickly pieced back together every time we said hello again. He was the other half of me; I did not feel whole without him around."


I read this article, and almost instantly, I remembered a love like that. I remember feeling like I couldn't live without someone. Feeling like the world wasn't right when we were apart. My heart ached with exhaustion. Oh do I remember feeling so awful on a bad day. I remember sleepless nights worrying. And I remember thinking I can't live like this. I have loved so deeply. I loved beyond anything I ever thought I could. And I realize how unhealthy that is. I realize how unrealistic that is. Love shouldn't be an obsession. Love shouldn't be hot or cold. Love should be neutral. Love should be calming. It's not always easy, but it should feel comforting---without feeling controlling.
Unlike the girl in that article, I will not always love my ex. I will not always carry a piece of him with me. Like he weighed me down before, carrying that with me would continue to weigh me down.
Let me clarify, it is nothing he did. He was a good husband. He was a good man. And he loved me just the same. He loved me the best way he knew how. I gave my entire heart to someone and it still did not work out, and that is okay. He taught me so much about love, what I don't want. I don't want to rely on someone so deeply I can't look in the mirror and know who I am. I don't want to think I am incomplete, inadequate without someone.
I want to know who I am, what I want, what I like and where I am going. And I want to be with someone who helps me. Who cheers me on. Someone that doesn't complete me, because I am complete on my own. Just someone who makes me better, someone who makes me confident, someone that allows me to grow on my own time, at my own speed. More than anything, I DON'T what a love like that one again. It was too much. It was too emotional, strong, and passionate. It meant too much to me. And eventually it broke me. It caused me too much self-doubt.

BUT now.
I feel lucky, I have been able to grow. And most since I have met Shilo, and been dating him. In the beginning I loved him like I have loved before. But quickly he taught me what I was waiting for, he taught me that I must love myself, first, he taught me that I am complete on my own. And that loving him, and being loved by him is just an added bonus to who I am, and what I want. I love him so much, and in ways he will probably never understand, but its refreshing, because I feel strong and beautiful, and I feel complete. And with Shilo, he just makes me better, he's just this added happiness I could live without if I wanted too, but I don't.