Life has been so unbelievably crazy. I'm still trying to navigate and figure out exactly how I got where I am. I mean, I know the real logistics. But, I'm talking, like, how in the world was this part of the plan. Because, as much as I know my choices don't completely align with what my Father in Heaven would have had me doing, I am one hundred percent certain, this is exactly the path my life was supposed to take. Had my precious baby not come into the picture, when she did. I can't say with confidence I wouldn't be dead or in jail right now.
It's march twentieth. LIKE MARCH 20, 2017!
And I can't believe this time last year I had just found out I was pregnant. I was crying myself to sleep every night and asking myself, what the heck I was going to do, and how I was going to tell my mom.
I can remember how I found out myself, like it was yesterday.
I had been feeling kind of funny. But, I hadn't missed my period, my boobs were abnormally sore, I felt really tired. And my cramps were worse than usual. Not to mention I kept having this dream I was pregnant, and trying to figure out how I was going to tell my mom.
Anyways, it was a beautiful sunny day, 03/17/2016, kind of windy. But good weather. We were coming out of a ridiculously cold winter, so 60* felt magical. My friend Emily and I, went to my best friend Kali's for a lunch date, and some much needed girl time. I jokingly told Kali, I could be pregnant, I've felt so weird lately. She mentioned getting a test to ease my mind. But, quickly we moved on from the subject. Me and Emily lived together at the time, in a basement apartment in Sandy, UT. We had finished lunch, and were getting ready to head home from Saratoga Springs, so I could get ready to go serve at Chili's. I had to work. Pulling out of Kali's there was a Walmart right across the street. So, I said, "Em, take me to Walmart, I'm gonna get a cheap test to ease my mind. drop me off at the front, and I'll buy one, run to the bathroom, test, and then you can pick me back up."
I was nervous, but truly thought it was going to be negative, and I wouldn't have to worry. Boy, was I wrong. I grabbed a $.89 test, paid, and went to the bathroom. It was a disaster, I pee'd all over my hand, I was trying to hurry. I finished up, looked at the test, and immediately thought, "wooohoo, I'm not pregnant." I called Em, to come to the front, and stuck the test in my pocket. When I got in the car, Em said let me see....I showed her and she said, "Maddie, you're pregnant." I said, "No, I'm not. Those lines are too light. The second one is basically non-exsistent." She said, "no, maddie, you are really pregnant. It wouldn't be showing even a faint line in both boxes if you weren't." I called Kali in a panic and said, "Em thinks its positive, but you can't hardly see the second line, we are coming back, so you can look and tell Em, I'm not." I could hear the concern in her voice, but she said okay.
I will never forget the feeling I had, when Kali said, "mads, you're pregnant." She said, there is not such thing as false positives, just false negatives, and this test has two lines. I burst into tears, and kept saying, I'm not pregnant. How am I gonna tell my mom? What am I gonna do now? I'm not married. I can't be pregnant. I can't be a mom. Kali, grabbed me and said, "Mads, it's gonna be okay. You're mom is gonna love you anyways, and I'm going to help you. It's gonna be okay."
That day I called the dr. and set up an appointment. I let them know I hadn't missed my period, but I had a positive test. My period was supposed to come the 19th or 20th. That told me to come a week after my missed period. So, I scheduled. And then began waiting the longest 10 days of my life.
The next few days were horribly painful. I thought I was going to miscarry, I was cramping so bad. I would just lay on my couch, in fetal position, in tears. I soaked in the bath 3-4 times a day. I was certain something wasn't right. When it finally came time for my appointment, I told the dr about the pain, he said sometimes that happens. They did a vaginal ultrasound, you could see the sac, and a tiny little dot. He said, you're still in the implantation seed. But, if everything goes right, thats gonna turn into a little baby.
I left the drs that day feeling so confused, and scared. I was doing this alone. The day I took the test, I called Charlotte's dad and just said, I need to tell you something. Are you by yourself? And are you sitting down? He said, whats wrong? I said guess....he said you're pregnant. He first reaction after, I said a tearful, yes. "WHY DID YOU TELL ME THIS OVER THE PHONE?"
I explained, I had to go to work, but I was scared. And didn't know what to do. Plus, I didn't want to tell a bunch of people, and I had already talked Emily and Kali's ears off about it.
In my mind, and my plans. Haha. I would have been so much more excited, and my mom would be coming to drs appointments with me, and so would my husband/baby daddy. But, first lesson I learned, (or second, cause the first one I learned was USE CONDOMS) was LIFE RARELY GOES AS PLANNED.
The drs, sent me with blood test orders to check my HCG levels. I had to have my blood drawn that day and then two days later. And my numbers at quadrupled, which meant things were progressing, and I was definitely pregnant.
The days and weeks after that seem to kind of have blurred at this point. I know I had a few ultrasounds after that. And Jason came to those. We continued to talk and get to know each other. With SEVERAL bumps in that road. It was craziness.
But, eventually, it all came together....kind of.
xoxo
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