I am still young, I am 23, I am a server. I work 30-40 hours a week at a job I hate 50% of the time, that isn't fair, I love the job. It's the people I don't always love. People are exhausting. Trying to please everyone is exhausting. But thats besides the point.---I'm typical. I sleep in, waking up most days after 9. I hate washing my hair. And I hate shaving my legs. I skip breakfast and criticize myself daily.
But I am so strong, and so wise. At least I think so.
I have come so far.
I got married.
And I got divorced.
And to this day, it is by far the hardest thing I have ever been through.
But you live, and you learn and you grow.
And today I am so much better off.
I read a really great article the other day, it hit home for me.
I believe there are a lot of ways of loving that are unhealthy.
It was titled, "I didn't end up with the love of my life."
In the article this girl talked about a love that ate her a live. She talked about a love so real, so intense, she felt incomplete without him. She felt inadequate and lost when he wasn't around. She longed for his love. And was sick and weak without him. She struggled for along time after their break up.
she says "I truly do believe this boy was, and always will be, the love of my life. I also truly believe that we are not meant to be together. Our relationship was intense, consuming, and exhausting. When things were good, I felt like I was on the top of the world. When things were bad, I felt like the sun was going to fall right out of the sky. I had never met someone who meant so much to me and had so much influence on how I felt and who I was. My heart broke every time we said goodbye, and was quickly pieced back together every time we said hello again. He was the other half of me; I did not feel whole without him around."
I read this article, and almost instantly, I remembered a love like that. I remember feeling like I couldn't live without someone. Feeling like the world wasn't right when we were apart. My heart ached with exhaustion. Oh do I remember feeling so awful on a bad day. I remember sleepless nights worrying. And I remember thinking I can't live like this. I have loved so deeply. I loved beyond anything I ever thought I could. And I realize how unhealthy that is. I realize how unrealistic that is. Love shouldn't be an obsession. Love shouldn't be hot or cold. Love should be neutral. Love should be calming. It's not always easy, but it should feel comforting---without feeling controlling.
Unlike the girl in that article, I will not always love my ex. I will not always carry a piece of him with me. Like he weighed me down before, carrying that with me would continue to weigh me down.
Let me clarify, it is nothing he did. He was a good husband. He was a good man. And he loved me just the same. He loved me the best way he knew how. I gave my entire heart to someone and it still did not work out, and that is okay. He taught me so much about love, what I don't want. I don't want to rely on someone so deeply I can't look in the mirror and know who I am. I don't want to think I am incomplete, inadequate without someone.
I want to know who I am, what I want, what I like and where I am going. And I want to be with someone who helps me. Who cheers me on. Someone that doesn't complete me, because I am complete on my own. Just someone who makes me better, someone who makes me confident, someone that allows me to grow on my own time, at my own speed. More than anything, I DON'T what a love like that one again. It was too much. It was too emotional, strong, and passionate. It meant too much to me. And eventually it broke me. It caused me too much self-doubt.
BUT now.
I feel lucky, I have been able to grow. And most since I have met Shilo, and been dating him. In the beginning I loved him like I have loved before. But quickly he taught me what I was waiting for, he taught me that I must love myself, first, he taught me that I am complete on my own. And that loving him, and being loved by him is just an added bonus to who I am, and what I want. I love him so much, and in ways he will probably never understand, but its refreshing, because I feel strong and beautiful, and I feel complete. And with Shilo, he just makes me better, he's just this added happiness I could live without if I wanted too, but I don't.
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