I feel like the only time I ever have anything good to say is when I am going through something kind of sad. And by kind of, I mean REALLY sad. And maybe I don't mean GOOD to say, maybe I mean real, honest, emotional. Because maybe when you (or I, or anyone---since I clearly don't know what tense I am talking in) go through loss and heart break. Maybe that is when emotions become raw. And real. And apparent.
Love is hard.
Life is hard, too.
And it can be really lonely. Really, really, really, lonely.
I think there are different kinds of HARD.
Loving someone that doesn't love you. That's hard.
Not loving someone that loves you, that's even harder.
Not wanting to hurt someone, that doesn't deserve to be hurt?
I am a firm believer, God doesn't give you anything you can't handle.
But, I would be lying if I didn't question myself, and Him on the daily.
I have been beside myself going through the hardest heartbreak I have ever experienced.
My anxiety has been through the roof. Sometimes its so bad I have to pull over and catch my breath. I don't sleep, or eat. I've cried enough tears to fill a 1,000 gallon bucket. It's just hard. Life is just hard. And I am stubborn. But this heartbreak is too real. The pain is unbearable.
You know, I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I was on track for it, too.
And then I woke up, and the love of my life, wasn't that anymore.
And I wasn't even who I used to be.
I have been really questioning how I am going to get from one day to the next.
And if I can continue to live like this.
I started drinking. Like, drinking --drinking. Drinking myself drunk. So I didn't have to feel anything. It was a very temporarily-satisfying fix. Until, I got myself into a lot of situations I wasn't proud of. Situations that ended up being really scary and uncomfortable. I have said it before, I hate regrets. They are exhausting. They make for a really tough day, week, month, and year. AND it's so easy to blame these choices on this heartbreak. It's so easy to point the finger and blame people around me for the choices I made. For a long time, I used them as an excuse. I justified them in any way I could.
And then I realized these choices were all my own. I let my emotions get the best of me. And I let them control me. I let myself fall into this trap of someone I didn't recognize anymore.
Finally, the love of my life helped me see, I was no longer the person he fell in love with. I wasn't even someone I loved anymore. He told me I was better than drinking. I was better than spending time with people that didn't have best interest at heart. And getting myself into messes I couldn't clean up on my own. He opened my eyes to a reality I thought no longer existed.
I have goals. And just because he was no longer in the picture, didn't mean those goals had to change.
Just because a key ingredient was missing, didn't mean I was broken, and not fixable.
I want the same thing I have always wanted.
I want to travel with my best friend.
I want to be madly in love.
I want to make a big family.
I want a husband.
I want to go to church.
I want to raise my kids in the gospel.
I want to go back to the temple.
The lifestyle I have been living is such a temporary satisfaction. It is temporarily satisfying--and hurts like hell at the end of the day, week or month. It feels empty. I am always hoping for more.
I wake up everyday and wonder why it took such pain to help me realize what I was doing to myself. Sometimes our choices lead to ever-lasting consequences that hurt like hell.
I really loved this person, I was certain he was the one for me. And that we would do whatever it took to make things work. No matter what. Unfortunately, that isn't the reality of things. I put my heart on the line, but it was a little too late. I loved in the deepest way, with my whole soul. and when that wasn't reciprocated, I lost myself. I was crushed. I am certain I will continue to wake up confused, I will continue to ask why. Cause I am hurting, I am sad, and I don't really see an end insight. But I can't believe how broken I thought I was, losing didn't break me, It just changed me. It helped me find myself again.
I am stronger than I have ever been, I've found my motivation. I have found my happiness. I know what I want, and I won't stop until I get it. My choices don't define me. They were stepping stones to finally finding myself, again.
People make really, really, really bad decisions everyday. Some people live with them for a short amount of time, and some people live with them forever.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done, I miss my best friends. Utah will always be home because of you.
