I just needed to vent. To document my feelings. In hopes if I write them out. I won't have to feel them anymore.
I've just had one of those weeks. I just don't know how I got here.
I have so many questions. I can't spend enough time kneeling next to my bed, talking with God.
It's like I could go on for hours, but the questioning turns to anger, and that causes rambling, which causes a deeper frustration, which ultimately leads to crying.And I am so sick of crying. Seriously, my head hurts. And my eyes are permanently swollen. It's extremely unattractive.
I've begun to question myself. I mean, I am certain no one plans for divorce when they get married, heck! You don't plan it when you are dating, when you are engaged. You just never plan it. And you certainly don't believe it's going to happen to you. But it's scared me, and I am afraid it might be for life. I am scared to fall in love again. To be married again. To give someone my heart. To let someone in. And open myself up.
For as long as I can remember I have believed in love. I mean, I BELIEVED in it. I lived and breathed love.
I believed in the deepest kind of love. The kind of love that wakes you up at night. The kind of love you feel from head to toe. The kind of love that causes you to smile, and cry, and laugh all at the same time. The kind where you can look at someone, and think maybe you can live without them, but you know, you would NEVER want too. I believed in that fairytale kind of love. Loving someone so much, you want to spend every waking minute with them. And you miss them the second they walk out the door. I believed in a love so tangible, you could feel it in the air around you. It sounds so silly, but I remember it. I remember feeling it. And loving that feeling.
And now I remember what it felt like when that started to fade away. The sickness in my stomach. The confusion. The hardness in my heart. It made me feel small. Little. Insignificant. Miniscule.
Love is suppose to make you feel big...like you could conquer the world. I don't know what makes you lose love. But I know that, you only lose what you don't fight for. And I can promise, if I ever feel that feeling again. I will fight for it. I won't ever give up. Ever. It's too precious a thing to lose.
Man, if I could go back there are a thousand things I would do differently in my life. And I hate the feeling of regret. It eats at you. It wares you down to the bone. It causes insecurities. And anger. It makes for a really bad year. I know that much.
There is a lot I don't know.
There is a lot I don't understand.
There is a lot I don't think I will ever figure out.
BUT, I have hope.
Someone is going to come along and give me love.
A love that lasts. A love that really is for better or for worse.
I deserve that. I think everyone does.
I feel lost and confused.
But I also feel patient.
Something is working inside me.
Something really really great.
